We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
