The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
