as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
