we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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