Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
