My friends, they love my intelligence
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
