I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
