I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
