i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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