it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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