dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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