It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
