No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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