You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
