I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
