wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
