well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
