Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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