i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
