What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
