omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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