drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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