I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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