watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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