Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
