i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
