Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
