Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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