i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
