I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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