sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
