Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
