I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
