Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
