I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
