Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
