a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
