it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
