I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
