I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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