Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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