I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
