Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
