tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
