shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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