Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
