Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
