dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I need to sanitize my soul.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
