I can tuck mytits in my pants
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
