so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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