We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
